Signs & seasons

On this last day of September, my daughter and I took a walk in our favorite neighborhood park.  It was a lovely, party cloudy and very windy fall day.  As we observed some of the first signs of the fall season, I inwardly reflected on how quickly the month of September passed.  And yet at the same time - the end of the month with today's cooler temperatures does indeed seem like an entirely different season than the beginning of the month when we were still using our air-conditioning at times.  So much can happen in thirty short days.

always the first tree to change color in Kern Park

In thirty days, I accomplished my goal of writing fifteen blog posts.  As a subscriber to Lisa Rivero's blog, I receive her posts via e-mail.  Back on the first day of the month, a post came into my e-mail box with the title "Blogging with Authenticity."  It caught my attention.  When I read about her #30PostsHathSept Blog Challenge, I felt it was sign for me to get back to blogging.  I really missed writing.  I also thought I might be a little crazy to attempt writing twenty to thirty blog posts in September.  It's a very busy month for us, with our two teenagers back to school and their busy academic and extracurricular schedules, plus kick-starting the homeschool year for our daughter, and also with lots of new developments going on with my part-time job.  Still, I really felt it was time to focus on writing again.  There never is a good or perfect time anyway.  And I felt energized by the challenge.  As the month progressed - I adjusted my goal to fifteen posts, and I'm still really pleased to have blogged half of all the days in September.  I certainly would not have accomplished that without Lisa's challenge.  Thank you, Lisa, and thanks also to the other bloggers who participated in the challenge!

Tomorrow is a new month, and what will that bring?  More changes.  The trees will continue to pass from green or brown to their various shades of yellow and red and orange.  The days will get cooler and shorter.  And I will continue to write.  Stay tuned.     

Five more "funny" parenting moments

Last week, I blogged "Five 'funny' parenting moments."  In the interest of once again reassuring parents everywhere that their parenting skills are really not so bad AND because I remembered a few more good ones - I'm sharing an additional five "funny" parenting moments. 

What happens in the salt mine, stays in the salt mine - unless your mom writes a blog post about it.

#1 - That moment when I let my children lick the wall of a salt mine, because they really needed to confirm that it's salt.  This happened at the Wieliczka Salt Mine in Krakow, Poland.   #givingamericantouristsabadname

#2 - That moment when the dentist says, "Didn't you notice that he chipped his front tooth?"  No, I didn't notice. 

#3 - That moment (really those few years in a row) when I had to stand between my children at church on Palm Sunday because:  "No, the palms are NOT light sabers."

#4 - That moment when my children were sledding down the stairs in a laundry basket.  This was actually kind of an ongoing thing in our house.

#5 - That moment when all three of my children crammed into or onto the "Cozy Coupe" and propelled themselves down the incline of the parking lot behind our house.  (I actually owe the Cozy Coupe an entire blog post one of these days.)



This vehicle can actually accommodate three school-aged children.

Dreaming that Steven Tyler is my dentist & other sleep problems

This morning I woke up much earlier than needed, used the bathroom and returned to bed.  This never goes well.  I fell back asleep, but it was not quality sleep.  I had two strange dreams, one in which Steven Tyler was my dentist (nightmare) and another in which my mom was on a bike chasing me.  I cannot remember exactly why my mom was chasing me or whether I was also biking or driving a car, but I do remember that I was worried about being late for an appointment.  As it so happens - I had both dermatologist and dentist appointments today, so I guess it's no wonder these showed up in my dreams.  But Steven Tyler?  I have some fear about going to the dentist, it's true.  This dates back to extensive dental work in my childhood plus some less than stellar experiences as an adult, including one really bad dental procedure gone wrong.  My current dentist is the most caring and accommodating dentist in the world.  I adore her.  Finding her is the only reason that I still go to the dentist after that botched-up procedure.  And she bears no resemblance whatsoever to Steven Tyler, by the way.

not my dentist

But bizarre dreams are just a small part of my problem of not getting enough quality sleep.  It's some combination of aging and hormones and having teenage children, I guess.  I got more quality sleep back in the days when I was nursing a baby throughout the night or when we had one or two kids sleeping in the bed with us.  I know about all the sleep hygiene recommendations and have tried at times to implement some of these measures half-heartedly and inconsistently.  I also tried Tylenol PM a few times, but I can be super sensitive to medications.  The few times I tried it, it either didn't help or it did but I felt foggy and hung over the next morning.  Which is why I really want to avoid any sort of prescription sleep aids.  I'm pretty sure they'd mess with me too much.  I have not tried melatonin, so maybe I should.  I'm very intrigued by CBT for Insomnia.  This is available for purchase as a 5-week, 5-session online cognitive-behavioral therapy program for insomnia.  The program seems to be backed by quite a bit of research and has a lot of testimonials that praise its effectiveness.  I'm not sure if I'll try it or not, but I'll write a blog post about it if I do.  In the meantime, I'm hoping that no more crazy rock stars make appearances in my dreams as medical professionals!

*****

Sleep is often on my mind, apparently, as I found two sleep-related "poems" in my writing files.

Just last week, I wrote the following silly limerick about my children's late nights:

There once was a tired family
Who did not sleep enough you see
     Kids wouldn't go to sleep
     Mom did not rest a peep
These people are exhausting me.


About this next one, be warned that I tend to get a bit melancholy in the winter.  I wrote these somber and perhaps over-dramatic words in February:

On writing in the morning while looking out the window

 So I write

Trying to find the words

Not necessarily wisdom

Just words

 

Looking out the window

The sun shines brightly

In a clear blue sky

Fresh & lively looking

Unlike me

 

White snow sparkles bright

Under the sun’s tutelage

paints a new look on

Browned lawns

and bare tree branches

frames warm orange bricks

 

I would wish to

Have more energy

To feel less sleepy

At all times

Could there be a truly

Reviving sort of sleep

That is bestowed upon

Those who know

Its secret

 

I long for real rest

That refreshes

But I resign myself

To that prospect never

Don’t dwell

Overmuch

Plunge into duties

Dry hands

enter steaming dish water

dig refuse out of

overfull litterboxes

keep busy while

deadlines looming

 

coffee does not seem

to proffer its promised jolt

rather sits uneasily on

the not steely stomach

cloudy head still

hopes for clarity

 

middle age proves

some more wisdom

but perhaps

leaves less energy

Parenting books - take 'em or leave 'em

Yesterday in my post "Embracing ordinary experiences," I wrote about some of the pressures of modern day parenthood, including:

the insidious and frequent message that we are obligated to create some kind of magical childhood for our children full of spectacular or extravagant experiences.

I'd say another pressure of modern day parenthood is the over-abundance of information that is related to or weighs in on parenting.  This includes brain studies and other scientific information about child development, opinion pieces about parenting methods and styles, mommy blogs, and the so-called "long-form think piece about parenting."  A humorous piece in The New Yorker "New Parenting Study Released" mocked the long-form think piece brilliantly.  It's pretty hilarious, and you should read it!  It does have some swear words, so be warned if that bothers you.

I am a reader, and when I'm experiencing or trying to understand something new - I'm naturally drawn to reading about it.  But I burned myself out on parenting books when my kids were little.  I learned pretty quickly that much of the advice was either unrealistic or didn't resonate with me.  A perfect example are those books that suggest all sorts of charts and graphs and rewards for managing toddler behavior.  First - that's just a crazy amount of work for which you'd need to hire household help.  Second - I want to enjoy my toddler, not manage him.  Third - the toddler is not buying it! 

no manual included

That being said, there have been some books that have impacted me as a mom, mostly because they have an unusual philosophy or take a different approach to parenting or learning.  I'm highlighting three of them here:

Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate, MD
This book is countercultural in that it advocates for the bonds of family over peer popularity.  I think particularly in an age when parents tend to be a little over-focused on their children's social lives, this book offers a different and compelling perspective.  You can read more about this book on Gordon Neufeld's website.
 
Out of Control: Why Disciplining Your Child Doesn't Work and What Will
by Dr. Shefali Tsabary
I feel that the title of this book is somewhat unfortunate, but I whole-heartedly agree with Dr. Tsabary's idea that focusing on connecting with our children will improve relationships (and behavior) more effectively than focusing on discipline.  You can read more on Dr. Tsabary's website.

Project-Based Homeschooling: Mentoring Self-Directed Learners
by Lori Pickert
Don't let the word "homeschooling" let you think this one's not for you.  I would recommend this book for all parents.  The concept of project-based learning has been transformational for me in how I approach parenting with all of my children, whether they attend a bricks and mortar school or are homeschooled.  Learn more about this book on the Project-Based Homeschooling website.

Lastly, I want to mention the work of nationally-renowned author Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg.  I had the opportunity to attend one of Dr. Ginsburg's presentations last year.  He is a dynamic speaker whose message about resilience and balance is so important.  Later, I read his book Building Resilience in Children and Teens, which I would recommend as a great resource for parents and teachers.  Dr. Ginsburg's new book, which I haven't read, is Raising Kids to Thrive.  For my local Milwaukee-area readers, there are two upcoming opportunities to hear Dr. Ginsburg.  Both presentations are free and open to the public.  Here are the details:

Monday, October 5 at 7:00pm at Nicolet High School Auditorium
Dr. Ken Ginsburg will speak on how to raise resilient children and prioritizing balance in a "do all" culture.  His message will be directed primarily to parents and educators of primary school students.

Tuesday, October 6 at 7:00pm at Divine Savior Holy Angels High School
Dr. Ken Ginsburg will be addressing parents and educators of secondary school students on building resiliency in teens.   

Embracing ordinary experiences

Scrolling through Facebook recently, I spotted an article "10 Trips to Take Before Your Kid Turns 10."  I usually avoid stuff like this, but I thought it might be good writing material.  The author took her nine year old daughter to a storybook-themed park.  Her daughter wasn't impressed and said it would have been fun when she was younger.  The author lamented that "she missed the boat" and advised: "Don't do the same. Visit as many of these places as you can while they're still captivating for your child."  Seriously?  No pressure.  Also, the daughter sounds a bit jaded.  Nine is a bit young to be cynical about a storybook-themed park.  Of the ten places in the article, my family and I (all above the fateful age of 10!) have been to only one.  And we are okay.  I saw a similar article, but this time there are forty places you must take your kids - "40 Places To See With Your Kids Before They Are All Grown Up."  This list includes such affordable and easily accessible destinations as the Galapagos Island and Buckingham Palace!  Of the forty places on the list, I myself - clearly "all grown up" at forty-six years - have only been to five of them and all of them as a grown-up.

I love traveling, and I have traveled quite extensively and adventurously at times.  I hope my children will live or study abroad and travel to places that interest them, just as I did.  And when circumstances and finances allow, we enjoy taking our children on trips as well.  They have had some very special family trips, like being able to visit their grandparents in Poland and returning to the same lake cottage every summer for several years with their cousins.  I'd love to take my family to the Galapagos Island, if we win the lottery.  But I'm also fine if none of us ever go there. 

I don't know many - if any - families that could afford to travel as extensively as these lists suggest.  I understand that perhaps the articles are meant to serve more as ideas.  But the thing that annoys me more about these types of lists and other such "standards" for modern parenthood is the insidious and frequent message that we are obligated to create some kind of magical childhood for our children full of spectacular or extravagant experiences.  I'm pretty sure articles like this didn't exist when my own parents had a houseful of young children.  And there obviously was no internet, where such articles can be shared a million times. 

Instead of focusing on or longing for a few (or 10 or 40) supposedly extraordinary experiences, how about we take some advice from William Martin?  This quote from The Parent's Tao Te Ching: Ancient Advice for Modern Parents has been popping up around the interwebs:

“Do not ask your children to strive for extraordinary lives.  Such striving may seem admirable, but it is the way of foolishness.  Help them instead to find the wonder and the marvel of an ordinary life. Show them the joy of tasting tomatoes, apples and pears.  Show them how to cry when pets and people die.  Show them the infinite pleasure in the touch of a hand.  And make the ordinary come alive for them.  The extraordinary will take care of itself.”

*****

Someone recently asked me what was the highlight of my summer.  We didn't go on any family vacations this past summer, so I didn't have that as a "go to" response.  What I thought of immediately were two things:  participating in the Riverwest24 bike ride with neighbors, friends and family and volunteering at the Riverwest Food Pantry with my kids.  Both of these experiences occurred right in my own community.  Both of them were such great experiences because of the people with whom I experienced them - family, friends, neighbors, volunteers and clients at the food pantry - and because of the sense of community and working together for a common goal or a common good.  Yes, experiences are more important than things.  But sometimes the most enjoyable, fulfilling and uplifting experiences can be the most simple and close to home.  

Calming creativity

In my recent post, "My top three accessories for middle age" - I mention that my dentist recommended I try meditation for stress relief.  I've dabbled with some guided meditations and breathing exercises, but I've never seriously pursued a meditation practice.  I'm more inclined toward creative meditative activities that also help with stress relief.

There have been a number of recent articles about coloring as a stress reliever.  Here are two:
Coloring Isn't Just For Kids.  It Can Actually Help Adults Combat Stress (Huffington Post)
Coloring books for grown-ups can ease stress and calm one's inner child (Washington Post)

On a recent visit to Barnes & Noble, I spotted coloring books for adults all over the store.  Some are filled with pages of abstract or repetitive designs; others have a specific theme from art to architecture to animals.  Quite a few of them are specifically described or marketed as tools for stress relief.  Although coloring books like these may be receiving more attention and shelf space now, they've been around for a while.  A favorite of my own childhood are Ruth Heller's Designs for Coloring.  Ruth Heller was a prolific picture book author and illustrator as well as the creator of the coloring books.  I love her bold and colorful style of illustration.  Many teachers and homeschool parents are familiar with her books, especially her World of Language series about the parts of speech.  But I knew Ruth Heller first through her coloring books.

  

Doodling is another potentially meditative and calming activity.  You can find a lot of articles about the benefits of doodling as well.  Here are a couple recent ones:
The Cogitive Benefits of Doodling (The Atlantic)
5 Big Benefits of Being a Doodler (Huffington Post)

A more specific kind of doodling that has become popular in recent years is called Zentangle, and there are all sorts of subcategories and offshoots of that.  My daughter and I have enjoyed using the book Zenspirations: Letters & Patterning by Joanne Fink for our own doodling inspiration.  One of my fellow bloggers in the #30PostsHathSept Blog Challenge - The Frog Lady - has been creating some really amazing doodles of frogs.  Check them out here and here.




Besides coloring and doodling, making collages and working on an art journal are other calming creative outlets that I have enjoyed.  Collage with Color: Create Unique, Expressive Collages in Vibrant Color by Jane Davies and The Art Journal Workshop: Breakthrough, Explore and Make it your Own by Traci Bunkers have inspired me.  The library is, of course, full of books about all kinds of creative pursuits.  There are even websites that offer free coloring pages for adults.

 

I often don't make time for these calming creative pursuits.  But I always feel better when I do!  And just writing about them today has made me think about prioritizing these stress-relieving activities that I enjoy.

*****

You may also enjoy my post "The Case for Creating: make stuff; it feels good."

butterfly collage

a collage-doodle combo from my art journal

pages from my art journal

Five "funny" parenting moments

For your entertainment, I've gathered a small collection of funny parenting moments.  Some might call them parenting fails.  I call them real life.  I consider this sharing to be a kind of a public service that says - fellow parents, don't feel so bad.  After all, my kid ate Miracle-Gro.  True story.

not meant for human consumption

#1 - That moment when I turned my head for two seconds and turned back around to find my toddler's mouth covered with bright blue granules, because he ate the Miracle-Gro.

#2 - That moment (or those several times) I let my small children drink a bunch of the little creamer cups at a restaurant, so the adults could finish our meal.

#3 - That moment when I thought it would be okay for my kid to watch Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit, because he had no fear watching all three Jurassic Park movies.  Apparently "claymation" Wallace turning in a were-rabbit can be much scarier than realistic looking dinosaurs that eat humans.  This is what I was told by the child who slept in his parents' bed for several months afterward.

 

#4 - That moment when I let my kids eat all their Halloween candy within the first few days of trick-or-treating.  Actually, I did/do this every year.  Not a fan of rationing - just eat it all and get it over with.  (Don't worry - I do make sure they brush their teeth.)

#5 - That moment I thought it would be a good idea to show my youngish kids the music video for Michael Jackson's Thriller.  Enough said.

*****
This is just a small sampling and does not include:  the interesting (and frequently weather-inappropriate) outfits I let them wear (in public); the questionable substitutions for real meals ("It's breakfast for dinner again!"); the times I swore in front of them (sorry, it's kind of a hopeless cause); a number of (in retrospect) humorous things that happened in church; some exciting events that necessitated emergency room visits; and so much more.

You know that parenting quote that pops up everywhere:  "The days are long, but the years are short."  It's true.  It all goes by so quickly.  Still...you might want to hide the Miracle-Gro and be wary of seemingly innocent "claymation" movies.

Dear neglectful gardener: a photo essay

As a companion piece to last year's post Confessions of  Lazy Gardener, I have allowed my garden to be our guest blogger today.  Bottom line, the garden is not happy with me.  And with that, here's the letter:

*****

Dear neglectful gardener,

You have disappointed us sorely this year.  You always come in all enthusiastic in May and June with your seeds and your plants and your fertilizer.  You visit us every day and give us all the water we need.  Sure, you usually get a bit less enthusiastic and maybe a little lazy in July and August.  But this year, it has gone beyond lazy.  This year, you have downright neglected us!  These past few weeks have been particuarly hard.  Where's the water?  You cannot just stop watering us because school started again and you are busy. We are thirsty.  

We need water.

Please don't leave us lying around like this.  It's undignified

And can we talk about weeding?  You have left us to fend for ourselves among the invasive enemies.

Poor kale is fighting for its life.

The daylilies are completely overcome by enemy forces.

We're not sure what's doing on with the tomatoes.  Some water and pruning could have helped, though.

Poor Roma has been hit by disease and drought.

Cherry seems to be holding on for the most part.

 And then you just let some of us get completely out of control!

Zinnias and cosmos gone wild.

The lettuce has, inevitably, gone to seed.

We know you like to keep things a little wild, but it's really gotten ridiculous this year.  We're fine with the milkweed taking over the strawberry patch every summer.  We know...you want to save the butterflies  But letting the wild morning glory vine completely cover the poor lilac bush...how could you???

lots of milkweed, as usual

Poor dear lilac is under there somewhere.

From a purely cosmetic standpoint, you could stand to do a bit more dead-heading.  We could give you a lot more blooms if you would.

 

We know you had a busy summer, but we really hope you'll step things up next summer.  Despite your neglect, we always give you a lot - flowers, tomatoes, cucumbers, lettuce, herbs, etc.

pretty!

yummy!

Please, dear neglectful gardener, think things over.  Remember all we have given you, and come spend some time with us.

Signed,

Your always loyal garden

Apple pie - a snapshot in words

Tonight I was reading through some of the files in my "writing" folder on the computer.  Since I didn't have a plan for today's blog post, I was looking for inspiration or ideas.  The folder is full of various things I've written: published articles or essays, potential blog posts, opinion pieces written in anger, beginnings of short stories, letters I'll never send, philosophical musings on various topics, word snapshots, etc.

Sometimes I wish I had consistently kept a journal over the years to record the ordinary moments of daily life.  But I didn't.  Yet I do have little word snapshots here and there - in computer documents, in a notebook, in a handmade card, in a blog post.  I appreciate the picture that can be conjured by these words.  One such word snapshot, written about two years ago, was filed in my writing folder under "apple pie."  Since we're entering apple season and since the emotions evoked are ones that I experience more and more in my children's rapidly passing tween and teen years, I'm sharing it today:

I am sitting at the kitchen table with my ten year old daughter and thirteen year old son.  “This apple pie is good,” I say.  We are all three busy devouring it.  “I’m enjoying mine,” answers my son.  He says that so sincerely, so innocently, so happily.  And instantly, I am fighting back unexpected tears.  These are tears perhaps of happiness, but also of sorrow.  And yet this is no occasion to be sad.  We have had a lovely day.  On this sunny and crisp October Wednesday, the three of us made apple pie together.  They did most of the work – mixing up the dough for the crust, peeling the apples, covering them with cinnamon and sugar.  I rolled out the crust, although I probably should have left it to them.  I’m no expert.  Our pie looks overfilled and the crust is lumpy and uneven.  Just like my heart.  And just like my heart, this pie is full of love.  In this pie is the love of a brother and a sister who at times seem to bicker nonstop, but can also be each other’s fiercest friends and most earnest companions.  Who just a bit earlier were laughing hysterically while playing Guess Who? - a very silly board game that we apparently have not outgrown.  Increasingly now, I recognize that these days are more behind us then ahead of us.  Even my daughter is more than halfway to the official adult age of eighteen.  Closer to that, than to my womb.  Still, I fight back the tears and finish my pie.  I am so grateful to have had this moment among many others.  To have spent the afternoon baking pie with my children.  

Those words were written almost two years ago.  My children are now twelve, fifteen and seventeen years old.  I feel these moments ever more increasingly.  We can't stop it or slow it down.  We want them to grow into adulthood - that's the goal.  And yet the sorrow we experience at seeing their childhoods pass so quickly is no less real than the joy and pride we experience at seeing them grow into young adults.

We hold on to each beautiful moment with them, as we also begin to let them go into their own bright and expectant possibilities.  

Forget the experts

With the start of a new school year, I see posts, articles and advertisements about all the activity options for children.  People may lament the cost of all of these "extra-curricular" activities, or the fact that such activities are offered at younger and younger ages, or just the intensity of classes or leagues.  They may talk about pressure to sign up for various activities, about being too busy and over-scheduled, or about finding balance.  The offerings are endless - every kind of sports, scouts, arts, music, nature, academic enrichment, manners/etiquette, cooking, sewing, robotics, programming, and on and on and on.  There's nothing wrong with any of these camps or classes.  But now every type of learning experience or skill acquisition seems to be offered as a commodity.  

This is not just a school-year issue, but a summer issue also.  I'm always astounded when parents tell me about signing up for summer camps starting in January and February.  I understand that camps fill up quickly, and you can miss out if you don't sign up right away - but I simply cannot be thinking about summer camp in the winter, plus it's probably not in the budget anyway.  Certainly, my kids have participated in some summer activities - camps or classes.  Yet the sheer number of experiences offered boggles the mind.  And the idea that summer should be filled with structured activities frankly saddens me.  I wrote about this in the article "Bike Camp: it's better when it's DIY" in Home Education Magazine, May-June 2014.  The article is about a group of families (mine included) who planned, participated in and thoroughly enjoyed our own week-long bike camp two summers in a row.  Here are a few quotes from the article that are specifically about doing things ourselves rather than relegating them to others:

"The problem is the idea that we can't provide some of these experiences for ourselves.  That everything has to be a commodity that is paid for and provided by a so-called expert.  When we realize that we don't need the expert and when we do things ourselves, we are truly empowered."  

"Sometimes we need to gain confidence and trust in ourselves, because we don't think we have the knowledge or experience to meet our children's learning interests or needs.  More often than not, we can create or facilitate the experiences our children want or the experiences we'd like them to have.  And we all - adults and children - gain so much confidence by doing things ourselves."

The idea of turning everything over to experts or specialists came up in the book Where You Go Is Not Who You’ll Be: An antidote to the college admissions mania by Frank Bruni.  As I mentioned in my summer reading notes, I'm not really the target audience for this book.  In the book, Bruni writes about the proliferation of independent college consultants.  Apparently, these are people whom parents hire to get their children into elite and Ivy league colleges.  In regard to this phenomenon, Bruni writes:

"Many people seem to believe that there’s no problem, from a belly’s sprawl to a child’s sloth, that isn’t best fixed by throwing money and a specialist at it.  Anything can be delegated.  Everything can be outsourced."

Think personal shoppers, personal trainers and the like.  That's not to say that there aren't situations when it makes sense to hire a personal trainer.  However, the idea of outsourcing more and more parts of life becomes somewhat ridiculous.  My husband even saw a television news story about people who hire someone to teach their children to ride a bike!  

 

This little girl learned how to ride her bike mostly by herself with a little help from daddy.

Before you feel like you have to sign up your children for a class to learn a skill, think about it.  First of all, think about what skills you feel are most important to learn.  And then consider what skills and interests they have.  Don't worry about what other people are doing.  Do what's right for your own family.  With many skills, we can indeed teach ourselves.  There is a wealth of information - at the library, on the internet, with YouTube videos.  In our family, we've taught ourselves many things:  appliance repair, car maintenance, candle-making and other crafts, website design and other computer skills, piano-drum-guitar skills, many cooking and baking techniques, and so much more.  Also, you can always check if a friend or relative has the skills you want to learn and ask them to share their expertise.  We've been able to swap and share skills with friends many times.  As parents, our own example of resourcefulness in learning new things is particularly important.  Hooray for lifelong learning!    

*****

While we certainly would never have considered hiring someone to teach our children to ride a bike, we have benefited from the specialized knowledge of experts many times.  We will be eternally grateful for the surgeon who performed open heart surgery on our two-week old son and saved his life, for example.

I am definitely not against experts, but I don't need them to manage every aspect of my life or teach my children all the skills they need or want to know!

Do mean people suck?

Mean people suck.  We've seen that phrase on t-shirts and bumper stickers.  It's very succinct and can be a comfort when someone's behavior hurts us.  Picture this:  Another driver pulls up super close behind my car, lays on the horn and then gives me the finger as he passes in the other lane, all because he wants to go twenty miles over the speed limit rather than obey the law.  I might think to myself, "Mean people suck."

Mostly we can blow off those situations pretty quickly.  But when we feel someone who is a regular part of our lives - friend, family, acquaintance, co-worker, neighbor - has been mean to us, it's not so easy to deal with.  And we can delude ourselves into believing that the world is against us.  Jane Austen is one of my favorite authors and she captures that sentiment in the following quote from Pride and Prejudice:

There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more am I dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of merit or sense.      

It might be temporarily comforting to believe, as the character Elizabeth Bennett does in this passage, that most people will disappoint us.  But in the long term, that belief will probably not serve us very well.  If we're always expecting to be dissatisfied with people, then we might be.  Rather than expect disappointment, we might want to give people the benefit of the doubt.  We probably hope they'd do the same for us.  Consider instead the sentiment expressed in this quote that often appears on Facebook:

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

It's usually attributed to Plato, but a bit of research shows that to be unlikely.  You can check out the information at Quote Investigator, if you're interested.  But the point of the quote is a good one.  Most likely the guy who flipped me off for driving the speed limit is simply late for work or an appointment and is inappropriately taking his frustration out on me.  But maybe something else is going on in his life.  Maybe he's rushing to the hospital to visit a loved one.  The point is not to excuse anyone's behavior.  But we can't know everything that's going on in a person's life that brought them to the point where they interacted with us in a negative way.  So, it might not be worth it to expend a lot of energy in reacting to it.  It might be better to move on and not let these instances erode our faith in humanity.  Or, in the case of someone who is close to us, it might be best to find out what's really going on rather than make assumptions about his or her behavior.

I know that I’m a much happier person when I look beyond the myriad foibles and imperfections of myself and other humans and see our basic goodness.  We are such a varied and interesting kaleidoscope of people and personalities and possibilities.    

I have also found that service work, particularly directly working with people who are marginalized in our society in some way, is true balm to avoiding feelings of disillusionment toward humanity.  It just feels good to help others.  Plus, we are working alongside other volunteers who are trying to make the world a better place.  Serving others can also give us some needed perspective on our own worries and concerns and help us let go of disappointment and resentment.

*****

Caveats
1.  I'm not excusing bad behavior.  There are times we need to address someone's behavior and request an apology.  There are times when we need to own up to our bad behavior and apologize.  There are times when we need to discontinue a relationship because of a person's consistently bad treatment of us.
2.  Some behavior is truly evil and cannot be excused in anyway.  

My top three accessories for middle age

People who know me will know that this list has little chance of containing any actual fashion accessories.  For those who don’t know me, be warned – do not look for belts, purses or jewelry on this particular list.

My top three accessories for middle age

1)  Progressive lenses & multi-focal contacts

I can see far…I can see near…I’m…I’m…superwoman!  Seriously, this is great stuff.  I love my bifocals!  They are actually progressive lenses, so they don’t have a line running through the middle.  I can read a sign across the room and ALSO read the fine print on a package.  All this without multiple corrective eyewear or asking one my children to read the fine print for me.  I also have multi-focal contact lenses.  I don’t love them quite as much as the glasses, because I lose a bit of clarity on the distance while gaining the advantage of seeing close-up.  Still, they’re pretty awesome too. 

Rocking the bifocals up close & personal

2)  Night guard

You might be surprised how many people use a night guard.  When I mentioned it to other people, I found out that many women I know have one of these.  People use a night guard if they clench or grind their teeth at night.  I’m a clencher myself.  A night guard can also prevent you from chewing the inside of your cheek at night.  Yes, I’ve done that too.  A night guard is similar to a mouth guard that athletes use to protect their teeth.  My dentist created molds of my upper and lower teeth and then of my bite (teeth alignment), so that it’s custom made for my mouth.  I have to admit that I clenched (apparently) a crack into my first night guard.  It was a thinner, more flexible one.  My dentist ordered me a new one, which is basically the more durable industrial strength night guard.  She also recommends that I try meditation.  But my night guard helps, and I sleep better when I use it.  Plus it has completely eliminated the jaw clicking and popping problem that I had. 

3)  Hair color in a box

I am very low maintenance when it comes to personal care.  I don’t really wear make-up or jewelry, except for my wedding ring.  I’m also not particularly interested in fashion.  It’s not that I’m philosophically opposed to those things.  I often admire other people’s jewelry and stylish clothing.  With my tendency toward minimalism, I’m just not interested in it for myself.  It’s no secret, however, that I color my hair.  Gray strands started appearing in my early to mid-30s.  Now in my mid-40s, I’m not really sure what color my hair is anymore.  It’s mostly gray.  Someday I will just let it be.  For now - every couple of months, I spend some time in the bathroom with a couple of boxes of Nice 'n Easy and make my hair not gray.  

I usually mix these two colors and swear under my breath as I'm applying it, but it's not too difficult.

A serious & silly Labor Day reflection on my work history

In honor of Labor Day, I though I'd try to list all the paid jobs I've had over the years, since I started helping with my older siblings' paper routes at the age of eleven.  As I listed these, I thought of something I wrote for Home Education Magazine last year in the essay Arm Farts, Life and Death.  It's not available online, so I can't share it with you.  Here I'll quote two parts about employment:

Our paid employment may also relate to our identity, or we may primarily identify as unschoolers.  We live in a culture in which identity is very much tied up with career or job status.  When you meet someone new, often the first question is, "What do you do?"  What do I do!?  Lots! - I think to myself.  I sleep, eat, love, learn, run, read, write, hike, cook, clean, manage a household, keep the calendar, take care of various needs of husband, children, and pets.  I'm a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, cousin, unschooler, church member, writer, thinker, dreamer.  I don't really say all that of course, because the questioner only wants to know what I do for paid work. 

The flexibility of taking short-term and/or part-time jobs has been a good fit for me as an unschooling mom.  It has given me the opportunity to contribute to my family's income as needed and in ways that don't take way away from our family life.

I understand and respect that everyone's choices are different in this regard.  I admire the successful and rewarding careers of many friends and family members.  And I do realize that people with full-time careers also have to manage households and families.  But since this was a personal essay in a publication for homeschoolers, I was talking about the choices that worked for my family in that context. Certainly, each choice has its own advantages and disadvantages.  For our part, relying primarily on one income has meant being very conscious about our spending and practicing frugality.  In my post Open windows, silver linings, lemonade & rolling with the changes, I wrote about my recent search for part-time work.  There were some disappointments, but ultimately I found a good fit.  If you have a nontraditional work background like me, you need to find employers willing to sit down with you and find out about your skills.  An online application process is not going to pick up on that.  As for that nontraditional work history of mine...what follows is what I can remember.  Each job is followed by a six-word description or commentary.  I'm slightly enamored of the six-word constraint ever since I used it for book reviews a few months ago.

babysitting:  Changing diapers before I knew how.
paper route:  The neighborhood routes - my family's dynasty.
server & dishwasher at nursing home:  First "real" job at sixteen years.
county park employee:  Teenage girls essentially run lakeside marina. (seriously)
jewelry sales at Summerfest:  I am not good at sales.  (again, seriously)
pizza-maker:  First college job - second semester freshman.
night manager (security) at dorms:  Teenage kids essentially run college dorm.
admissions office at university:  I can't remember...maybe administrative tasks?
resident assistant:  Free room and board = good gig.
library at university - I can't remember...data entry maybe?
fair housing investigator:  Young adults investigate housing discrimination complaints.
karaoke host at bars:  I did this and sang too.  (seriously, in public)
security/visitors assistant at museum:  Temporary gig while figuring things out.
administrative assistant:  Still trying to figure things out.
bookseller:  I guess I can sell books.
paraprofessional educational assistant:  Figured out - education is my field.
fifth grade teacher:  My classroom is my main domain.
(Somewhere in here is where I gave birth to three kids in the space of about five years.)
in-home childcare/babysitter:  Add more kids to the mix.
telephone customer service at home:  That was interesting - look away now.
clerk at public library:  I love books and library people.
writer/editor of Powerpoint presentations:  A good home-based, short-term contract gig.  
tutor at high school:  Short-term and eye-opening experience tutoring teens.
freelance writer:  Published a few articles and essays.
outreach specialist for nonprofit organization:  My awesome, interesting new part-time job.

That's it.  I'm curious what might be added to the list in the future.

Have you had any interesting or unusual jobs?  I'd love to hear from you.

Happy Labor Day!

*****

You may also enjoy reading:
Minimalist Mary says, "These boots were made for walking..."

June through August reading notes

Since I started blogging, I have tried to post my reading notes periodically.  A few months ago, I had a lot of fun writing my reading notes in the format of six-word reviews or descriptions.  See that post here.  By the way, that was inspired by the Six-Word Memoir project, which has been around for several years.  This time, I'm not going to restrict myself to six words.  I will keep my notes fairly short, however.

 

Bossypants by Tina Fey
This was a light read and very funny.  I enjoyed Tina Fey's anecdotes from her childhood, from her early days of trying to break into comedy, and - of course - from her career in the entertainment business working on Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock.

Life Drawing by Robin Black
I love Robin Black's writing!  A few years ago, I read her short story collection If I Loved You, I Would Tell You This.  Short stories aren't necessarily my favorite genre, but Black's collection really impressed, moved and entertained me.  I was glad when I saw that she had published a novel.  Life Drawing is mostly the story of a marriage.  It's more character than plot-driven, although it ends in a somewhat unexpected way.

Boxers (Boxers & Saints, #1) by Gene Luen Yang
Saints (Boxers & Saints, #2) by Gene Luen Yang
Gene Luen Yang is a graphic novelist and author of the outstanding American Born Chinese.  These two graphic novels recount, with parallel stories told from different perspectives, the Boxer Rebellion.  I have to admit that I knew next-to-nothing about this period of Chinese history, and I learned a lot from reading these two volumes.  If you enjoy looking at historical events through graphic novels (as in Persepolis, for example), you'll want to read these.

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organising
by Marie Kondo
When I finished reading this book, I posted a fairly long blurb on Facebook.  I'll repost that here:

Just finished reading The Life-changing Magic of Tidying Up: the Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo, a bestseller that’s been getting a lot of buzz lately. In the spirit of my recent blog post with six-word book descriptions/reviews, here’s one for this book: “Author clearly does not have children.” smile emoticon On the other hand, I could also say: “Good motivator – get rid of more.” So although I likely won’t start folding my socks in any particular way, nor will I begin speaking regularly to inanimate objects (other than coaxing along aging cars & appliances), I do agree with the message that most of us have way too much stuff. Even Minimalist Mary & family. And I heartily concur with the author's assertion that significantly reducing our belongings (rather than trying to find new & creative ways to organize them), will ultimately give us more time to spend on the pursuits, passions & projects that mean the most to us.

The End of Days by Jenny Erpenbeck
This was structurally quite different, and I found it a bit confusing to keep track of the characters since the main characters are not named.  As the description on Goodreads says:

The End of Days, by acclaimed German writer Jenny Erpenbeck, consists essentially of five books, each leading to a different death of an unnamed woman protagonist. "How could it all have gone differently?" the narrator asks in the intermezzos between. 

It was interesting to read about the characters' experiences throughout the different parts of European history, from the Hapsburg Empire to the height of the Soviet Union, but I had to work pretty hard to stick with this novel.

The Name of the Rose by Umberto Eco
I am going to sound like the uninformed parent who takes her four year old to Into the Woods because it's a Disney movie, but then is angry at the movie because it's not actually appropriate for a four year old.  We should try to know what we're getting into when we go to a movie or pick up a book.  I wanted an entertaining medieval mystery (as in the Cadfael mysteries), but I didn't realize this book was so full of Latin and church history.  Still a pretty good mystery, though!

  


Where You Go is Not Who You'll Be: An Antidote to the College Admissions Mania 
by Frank Bruni
I spotted this title on the new nonfiction shelves at the library and was intrigued.  My son just started his senior year of high school, and we're navigating the college application process now.  We are not the target audience for this book as neither we nor our son have been looking at or hoping for Ivy League or other elite schools.  Still, it was refreshing and reassuring to read this.

Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
I was fascinated by the story of this novel's main character Ifemelu, told in the present and the past, about her life in Nigeria and in America.  Along with Ifemelu's story, the plot traverses Nigerian history and politics, the experience of Nigerians and other Africans living in America (and Europe), and the broader topics of race and racism.  I recommend this and plan to read Adichie's other novels too.  Her TED talk is also very good:  The Danger of a Single Story.    

Station Eleven by Emily St. John Mandel
This was, by far, my favorite read of the summer.  The story and characters really drew me in.  The bulk of the novel takes place in the aftermath of a terrible flu that wipes out the majority of the world's population, although there are some flashbacks to the characters' lives before the flu.  Much of the story focuses on a group of survivors called the Traveling Symphony, who travel around the Great Lakes area performing musical concerts and Shakespeare.  This is a beautifully-written novel, and I highly recommend it!

*****

What about you?  What was your favorite summer read?

Sharpened pencils and fresh notebooks

I haven't blogged for almost two months, have journaled only sporadically and have not worked on any other writing projects, except for those that relate to my paid work.  Recently, I saw a #30PostsHathSept blog challenge on writer Lisa Rivero's website.  It's just the thing I need to recommit to my writing and blogging, both of which have been sadly neglected in recent months.  A blog challenge also provides some accountability, which is a topic I've written about before.  The #30PostsHathSept blog challenge is about committing to publish 20-30 blog posts in September.  I'm aiming for 20 posts in September starting with this one!  

It's timely to have a challenge like this coincide with the start of the new school year.  What I love about back-to-school is the promise of new beginnings, pencils sharpened to a perfect point and fresh notebooks with empty pages begging to be filled.  In my writing life, the new beginning is this blog challenge.  The pencils sharpened to a perfect point are my commitment and willpower.  And the fresh notebooks with empty pages are the twenty posts to be written this month.  Perhaps not the most original metaphors, but they'll do.  

I can't think of an apt metaphor for vulnerability, but it's an important theme for writers and for anyone who puts their work or their ideas or themselves out in the world for others to see.  I've written about vulnerability before.  And the theme of vulnerability has popped up a few times for me in the past several days.  Last week, someone completely misrepresented my words and actions.  It felt like an attack on my character, and I felt very vulnerable.  I wrote about the experience in my journal to work through my feelings.  Writing therapy works!  Then I happened to hear the song Breathe (2am) by Anna Nalick while driving.  The lyrics really spoke to me about writing, vulnerability and - yes - just breathing (something I sometimes forget to do!):

2 am and I'm still awake, writing a song 

If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,

Threatening the life it belongs to

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd

Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud

And I know that you'll use them, however you want to     

Then this past Wednesday, Lisa Rivero (whose blog challenge I'm joining) wrote about vulnerability in her post The Courage of Getting Back Up.  I love what she wrote:

Blogging—especially regular blogging —is a good way to practice vulnerability. Even if you don’t blog about personal topics, the habit of “showing up” and “being seen” (or being read) when you have no control over your readers is a form of creative courage.

Lastly, in anticipation of our twentieth wedding anniversary - which was also on Wednesday - a mini-essay formed in my brain.  It wasn't quite a blog post.  It also wasn't quite the sort of thing most people say on anniversaries.  But it felt so real.  With my husband's consent - because it's about both of us, of course - I posted the words on FB along with a wedding photo.  I felt vulnerable, but I also felt so glad I put my words out there because those words resonated with many of my friends.  

So...here's to new beginnings, creative courage & vulnerability!  

*****

You may also like to read:
Why write?
Melancholy Mary listens to sad songs, and her children *still* don't go to bed.