Monday, July 21, 2014

This baby


This baby is my son
My first-born child
He came into my life
When I was so very new
To being a mother
His dad and I were full of joy
Then two weeks old
A routine check-up turned into
Too many doctors listening
With stethoscopes
For too long

Sent off immediately
Hospital, heart center
Cardiologist, echo-cardiogram
Congenital heart defect
Open heart surgery – today, soon
A blur of information
Explanations we can’t comprehend
Total anomalous pulmonary venous connection
Sign this, consent to that

Baptism before surgery
For our first baby
Tears.  Tears.  Tears.
Hours and hours of waiting
Anxiously with family
Updates from the nurse
A surgeon who operates
On such a tiny heart
A hero who fixes this baby’s
Fragile little heart

Sitting in a room
With a breast pump
Pumping and whirring
Saving my milk for him
Days and days of recovery
Of tubes and beeping and fear
From PICU to NICU
We must learn a different way
To be new parents
CPR lessons, tiny doses
Of heart medications
Caring for all those scars
 
And yet, so soon…this baby
Grew fast and big and strong
No complications – from baby
To toddler to preschooler to boy
Obsessed with fire trucks
And constructions vehicles
Busy and active and
Exasperating at times
He went to the hospital other times
There were stitches
Multiple times
Naughty and nice.  Silly and kind.
A big brother
A boyhood, a normal boyhood
For this baby

Now this baby is 16 years old
You can see the scar on his chest
Sometimes people ask
He is tall and lean and muscular 
He likes to play basketball, soccer,
Football, lift weights
Play video games
Study hard
He drives (when we let him)

He is still silly and kind
A normal young person,
He sometimes makes good choices,
Or sometimes gets in trouble
And he is a miracle to us
He continues to
Surprise and bless us
Everyday


 
I find this hard to write about.  Still.  I don’t know how to express it exactly.  I have written about it in narrative form, in a more linear way.  But when I sat down to write it recently, it came out like this.  I am eternally grateful to all the medical staff that guided and assisted us through our son’s surgery and recovery.    

Although this experience was very traumatic at the time, I have always been mindful of how temporary it was.  Our son’s heart defect was completely repaired, and he has no long term effects or limitations.  We do not know what it is like to parent a child with long-term health challenges.

4 comments:

  1. Mary, this is beautiful. You capture so well both the fear of those early times and the joy of being able to look back on them with your perspective of now. Thank you for sharing this part of your story.

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    1. Thanks so much, Lisa. I'm glad I found a way to write about this experience so many years after it happened.

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  2. Dear Mary, I saw a link to your blog as my cousin Judy shared it on Facebook. You capture this experience quite well in a few words. Yet, and I apologize for this, I feel so envious of you. For I know what it is like and what you are trying to express. I know those hospital days are remembered like it was just yesterday. But you were so lucky to believe your son to be healthy for two whole weeks and have him with you at home! I believed my son to be healthy for 12 hours. Later, I was so grateful to have had a planned home birth; so he knew what home was. Then the next two and half week were spent in the hospital. Then we did it again at 6 months and again at 10 and a half months. But he grew and grew all the same. He went to school and he was so clever and smart. But he couldn't play sports. Later school became a struggle. At age 12 it was determined he had Asperger's as well. It was harder for me than him. But he still grew and he graduated. He is now 21. He is 6'4". He is a quirky sort of geeky guy who is still very clever, but he isn't in college because it's so hard for him to cope with due dates and projects. He lives independently with the help of SSI. But I never stop worrying. I have to always strike a balance in may heart of letting him find his own way and watching over him to be there when he might need me. He still experiences repercussions of his heart defect. I still grieve that it even had to be this way. You are very blessed that your son is grown and quite well and healthy. ---- Amy

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    1. Dear Amy,
      Thanks for your comment and for sharing your story. No need to apologize. In sharing my own story, I know that we were so lucky and blessed that our son's recovery was quick and that he had no further health challenges. I work with families who have children with special needs. I see them struggle with finding appropriate resources, jobs, etc. for their children. It's difficult. That's why it's so important for you to share your story too, and I hope you continue to do so. I hope your clever son finds ways to thrive and grow. Best wishes to you and your family,
      Mary

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