This
baby is my son
My
first-born child
He
came into my life
When
I was so very new
To being a mother
His
dad and I were full of joy
Then
two weeks old
A
routine check-up turned into
Too
many doctors listening
With
stethoscopes
For
too long
Sent
off immediately
Hospital,
heart center
Cardiologist, echo-cardiogram
Congenital
heart defect
Open
heart surgery – today, soon
A
blur of information
Explanations
we can’t comprehend
Total
anomalous pulmonary venous connection
Sign
this, consent to that
Baptism
before surgery
For
our first baby
Tears. Tears.
Tears.
Hours
and hours of waiting
Anxiously with family
Updates
from the nurse
A surgeon
who operates
On
such a tiny heart
A
hero who fixes this baby’s
Fragile
little heart
Sitting
in a room
With
a breast pump
Pumping
and whirring
Saving
my milk for him
Days
and days of recovery
Of
tubes and beeping and fear
From
PICU to NICU
We
must learn a different way
To
be new parents
CPR
lessons, tiny doses
Of
heart medications
Caring
for all those scars
And
yet, so soon…this baby
Grew
fast and big and strong
No
complications – from baby
To
toddler to preschooler to boy
Obsessed
with fire trucks
And
constructions vehicles
Busy
and active and
Exasperating
at times
He
went to the hospital other
times
There
were stitches
Multiple
times
Naughty
and nice. Silly and kind.
A
big brother
A
boyhood, a normal boyhood
For
this baby
Now
this baby is 16 years old
You
can see the scar on his chest
Sometimes
people ask
He
is tall and lean and muscular
He
likes to play basketball, soccer,
Football,
lift weights
Play
video games
Study
hard
He
drives (when we let him)
He
is still silly and kind
A
normal young person,
He
sometimes makes good choices,
Or
sometimes gets in trouble
And
he is a miracle to us
He
continues to
Surprise
and bless us
Everyday
I
find this hard to write about.
Still. I don’t know how to
express it exactly. I have written about
it in narrative form, in a more linear way.
But when I sat down to write it recently, it came out like this. I am eternally grateful to all the medical
staff that guided and assisted us through our son’s surgery and recovery.
Although
this experience was very traumatic at the time, I have always been mindful of
how temporary it was. Our son’s heart
defect was completely repaired, and he has no long term effects or
limitations. We do not know what it is
like to parent a child with long-term health challenges.
Mary, this is beautiful. You capture so well both the fear of those early times and the joy of being able to look back on them with your perspective of now. Thank you for sharing this part of your story.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Lisa. I'm glad I found a way to write about this experience so many years after it happened.
DeleteDear Mary, I saw a link to your blog as my cousin Judy shared it on Facebook. You capture this experience quite well in a few words. Yet, and I apologize for this, I feel so envious of you. For I know what it is like and what you are trying to express. I know those hospital days are remembered like it was just yesterday. But you were so lucky to believe your son to be healthy for two whole weeks and have him with you at home! I believed my son to be healthy for 12 hours. Later, I was so grateful to have had a planned home birth; so he knew what home was. Then the next two and half week were spent in the hospital. Then we did it again at 6 months and again at 10 and a half months. But he grew and grew all the same. He went to school and he was so clever and smart. But he couldn't play sports. Later school became a struggle. At age 12 it was determined he had Asperger's as well. It was harder for me than him. But he still grew and he graduated. He is now 21. He is 6'4". He is a quirky sort of geeky guy who is still very clever, but he isn't in college because it's so hard for him to cope with due dates and projects. He lives independently with the help of SSI. But I never stop worrying. I have to always strike a balance in may heart of letting him find his own way and watching over him to be there when he might need me. He still experiences repercussions of his heart defect. I still grieve that it even had to be this way. You are very blessed that your son is grown and quite well and healthy. ---- Amy
ReplyDeleteDear Amy,
DeleteThanks for your comment and for sharing your story. No need to apologize. In sharing my own story, I know that we were so lucky and blessed that our son's recovery was quick and that he had no further health challenges. I work with families who have children with special needs. I see them struggle with finding appropriate resources, jobs, etc. for their children. It's difficult. That's why it's so important for you to share your story too, and I hope you continue to do so. I hope your clever son finds ways to thrive and grow. Best wishes to you and your family,
Mary