When your dad dies (& some thoughts on grief)

my dad, several months before he died, with my mom and daughter

Good Friday seems as good a day as any to write about death and grieving.   

My dad died on December 23, 2010.  Since my dad's birthday is Christmas Eve, that particular holiday is forever linked with memories of his life and death.  Holidays and other milestone events can be particularly difficult times when grieving the recent or not-so-recent death of a loved one.  And yet every grief is different.  I do know what it's like to lose a father, but I don't know what it would be like to lose a best friend, spouse or child.

After my dad died, my mom and I attended a few presentations in the Common Ground of Grief, which I highly recommend.  The presenter is Patrick V. Dean, MEd., C.T., founder of the Wisconsin Grief Education Center.   There's some useful information on his website, including the Top Ten Touchstones: Grief, Mourning and Healing.  One of those touchstones is that grieving is both universal and unique.  We all grieve in our own way.  In his presentations, he talks about how the secret of life is death.  If we lived our earthly life forever, it wouldn't be so precious to us.  The reality of our eventual death shapes the realities of our lives.  Even for those who believe in a life after death, the fact of our human death compels us to live differently than we otherwise would. 

Writing was a tool in my path of grieving.  I was honored to write and deliver the eulogy at my father's funeral.  It's the hardest thing I ever wrote, and yet it was a profound experience to compose and deliver those words.  Much of what I wrote in the days and months and even years after losing my dad is very rough and not meant to be shared.  But some of it might help illuminate the experience of grief for others.  Below is a sort of poem that I wrote on March 3, 2012, over a year after my dad died.  My feelings are still pretty tender.  It reflects a bit on what to say and not say to people who have lost loved ones.  I wasn't mad about things people said, because I know their intentions were good.  But sometimes the comments felt so disconnected from my feelings.

*****

When your dad dies

When your dad dies
People will ask you how old he was
As if that matters
Was it a long illness or unexpected
That doesn't matter either
They will say he is in a better place
You will find no comfort in that
You don't want him in a better place
You want him HERE.
When your dad dies
And you are talking about it to your friend
She will say something about
People having a hard time with death
And you will think, but not say
Yes, of course, I have a hard time with death
I just lost my dad
And I'm in so much pain.
When your dad dies
And you confide that you are
Going to miss him so much
A relative says
But how often did you really see him?
The answer is: all the time
But really it doesn't matter
If you saw him a lot or hardly ever
You will miss him.
When your dad dies,
People will hug you
And you'll cry together
That will be your siblings
And your favorite cousin
Or maybe even someone from work.
When your dad dies,
People will say they are sorry
And you will know that they are.
They will say that
they don't know what to say
That's okay too.
An acquaintance might say
Death sucks
That person understands.
Someone else will look away
And change the topic
She wasn't ready
For your vulnerability.
When your dad dies
It will hurt, it will ache
Your heart will be broken.
When your dad dies
The intensity of the pain
Will lessen with time
Or you couldn't survive it.
When your dad dies
You will always be
A different person
Afterward.
Because he is gone from
Here and now.
When your dad dies
You will remember
His love, his life, his spirit.
When your dad dies
It will be hard
It will stay hard
In many ways.
You will never stop missing him.
When your dad dies
He will live in your memory
In everything
That he taught you
That he showed you
In the person you have
Become.