A portrait of the introvert as a mom

I've seen quite a bit written on how to help an introverted child navigate in a world that tends to more highly value, and more readily accommodate, extroverted personalities.  The book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain has a chapter dedicated to "How to Cultivate Quiet Kids in a World That Can't Hear Them."  I highly recommend that book, as well as Susan Cain's TED Talk, which is well-worth watching. 

But - what I've been thinking about is how being an introvert shapes the sort of parent I am, regardless of whether my children themselves are introverts or extroverts.  Reading the book Quiet helped me understand a lot about being an introvert.  In fact, I'm really wanting to read the book again as I read it over two years ago when it was first published.  Besides reading about being an introvert, it has helped me to write and reflect upon my experiences as an introvert.  (That's an example of writing as therapy, as I mentioned in my blog post "Why Write?")  Certain experiences or situations stick in my mind. 

Several years ago, one of my children was in a swim class at a local community center when the instructor called another mom over to tell her that her child had finally been willing to put his head under water.  This mom shouted, "Good job, Timmy!" with lots of hand-wringing and bouncing and exclaiming.  It appeared almost as a full out cheer routine to me; she was just lacking the pom-poms.  This child was a bit on the older side to be finally putting his head underwater, and maybe that's why his mother reacted the way she did.  Maybe she really was just so-very-thrilled.  I'm quite sure that to many of the people around us, she was viewed as a super enthusiastic and "good" mom.  Does her public display of extreme enthusiasm for her child's somewhat normal accomplishment qualify her as a "good" mom?  In a society that values extroversion over introversion, I think - yes - many people would view this as a sign of good parenting. 

Yet her eye-popping exuberance tells us nothing of the parent she really is.  She may be attentive and loving and accepting, OR she may be neglectful or distant or judgmental.  To me, as an introvert, her display looks a little crazy.  Our society has a lot of preconceived notions of what a good mother or a good parent looks like.  We even have so-called "mommy wars."  That mostly has to do with making ourselves feel better about our choices by criticizing the choices that other mothers make.  I don't want to criticize the publicly enthusiastic mom, even if her behavior seems foreign to me.  What I do question is the way our society values that sort of parenting display over other parenting styles.

To be clear, I acknowledge and show a lot of enthusiasm toward my children's accomplishments in many different ways.  (And it's not just about my children's accomplishments, it's about showing acceptance and enthusiasm for them being who they are, but that's another blog post.)  Our family has lots of connectedness, both serious and silly, both quiet and loud.  I goof around with my children, bestow affection exuberantly, and sing and dance up a storm.  But, for the most part, I do all of these things in private.  So I guess what I'm saying is...  I may not yell loudly at their soccer games or be the life of the party at family gatherings, but I do write them a personal poem filled with my love and admiration every single birthday, for example.  I do help them find their passions and support their dreams.  My love is no less fierce for being...quiet.

*****

Postscript:  This is not a debate about introversion vs. extroversion, nor is it a debate about parenting.  I'm just sharing my thoughts, feelings, and experiences on parenting as an introvert.  I'm very interested in the different ways in which each of us wonderful human beings experiences the world!