Seriously!? Sometimes not.

When I was a fifth grade teacher, many years ago, I fell flat on my butt in front of my students.  I had been sitting at my desk, and when I got up to move to the front of the classroom - I slid on some loose papers piled next to the desk and fell.  It was a classic slip-on-the-banana-peel scenario.  While I encouraged creativity and fun in the classroom, I also prided myself on classroom management and order.  As such, I was the benevolent but undisputed leader of our community of learners.  So when I crashed to the floor that day, all twenty-eight of those tween faces looked at me expectantly for a cue.  Recovering from the shock of the fall, I smiled, "I'm okay - you can laugh."  And with a collective sigh of relief, they burst into laughter.  I laughed at myself too.   

I love to remember that story.  It reminds me of a situation when I made a split-second decision to not take myself too seriously.  Because often I do take myself way too seriously and over-think things.  I know that this type of thinking limits me and was reminded of that recently.  I've been listening to Magic Lessons with Elizabeth Gilbert, a podcast series inspired by her book Big Magic.  In Episode #5 "Access Your Joy," Gilbert talks to a songwriter who is creatively stuck.  The songwriter is understandably grieving the death of her sister and finding it hard to return to her work.   The conversation comes around to the idea that the songwriter takes her work too seriously.  Gilbert says, "I think it's possible that you might have a little bit too much respect for music."  She adds that the songwriter might belong to a "category of people who cannot make art very freely because they have too much reverence for it." 

Maybe I'm in that category of people.  Maybe I have a little much too respect for writing.  As an avid reader, I've been inspired, moved, transported, entertained and informed by the written word in so many forms.  So I imagine the readers of my own words.  And I imagine that everything that I share or publish on my blog should be...finished or polished or important or unique or special.  I worry that someone will read what I write and say, "so what?" 

But so what if they say "so what?"  And when it comes down to it, I'm the one imposing the big expectations on myself by taking myself too seriously.  That doesn't mean I don't want to practice, critique, edit, learn from mistakes and improve.  But none of that will occur if I take things too seriously to begin and continue.  If we take ourselves too seriously - in our work, in our communities, in our relationships - we may prevent ourselves from moving forward.  When we take ourselves too seriously, we may prevent ourselves from connecting with others, like I did with my students when we laughed together all those years ago.

We have to be willing to fall. 
To slip on the banana peel. 
To get up again. 
To move forward.   
And sometimes to laugh at ourselves along the way.

Gratitude

 

The photo above showed up in my Facebook feed yesterday as a memory from when I posted it three years ago.  It's a quote I had written and doodled around in one of my journals.  What was I thinking about three years ago when I chose that particular quote to illuminate with such exuberant details? When I saw it yesterday, I thought...yes, joy is a form of gratitude.  And also...when we express and feel gratitude, we experience more joy.  It works both ways.  A good reminder.

 

After hearing and reading repeatedly that a habit or practice of gratitude can improve one's outlook and well-being, I started keeping a journal for that specific purpose about four years ago.  I've written in various gratitude journals on and off since then.  I also try to be deliberate about expressing gratitude verbally, in notes and emails, in my writing.  Most of us have a lot to be grateful for, and it's good to remember that.

 

from "daddy" to "downtown abbey" - things she was grateful for over the years

 

I'm grateful for the ABC gratitude books my children made when they were younger.  I had them write a letter of the alphabet on each two-page spread.  I made one too, and we wrote in them on and off for several years.  It's fun to look back at the things they were grateful for at various ages and to see how their handwriting progressed too.  My daughter was only five years old when we started doing this, and she wrote very prominently on her "B" page in large letters "BUSCETY."  This is how she pronounced and wrote "spaghetti" back then.  My older son was in his tween to teen years at the time and was grateful for lots of different kinds of cars among other things.  My younger son was grateful for everything from dinosaurs to Nintendo to George Washington.  All three of them included favorite foods and animals.  They also all have "Mom" on their "M" pages and "Dad" on their "D" pages (of course) as well as grandparents, cousins, friends, coaches, teachers and other people.  I cherish these little scrapbooks of that period of time in my children's lives.  I also believe that making the books helped them develop an attitude of gratitude that will stay with them.

 

grateful for "buscety" - otherwise known as "spaghetti"

 

Certainly we all have tough times, hardships and challenges in our lives.  But if we deliberately recognize the goodness and blessings through gratitude, it makes life a lot more joyful. 

What are you grateful for this moment, this day, this week?

*****

An acrostic poem I wrote in one of my gratitude journals:

 

Giving thanks

Remembering blessings

Appreciating special moments

Thanking God

Inspiring myself

Trusting in goodness & love

Understanding others

Delighting in every day

Expecting joy

September through December reading notes & a year-end thought on writing

Every few months, I blog about what I've been reading.  Here's the latest installment of my reading notes:

 

Middle School Literature
Along with another mom, I facilitate a middle school literature group, and the first three books on this list were selections for our group. 
The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin
I love this book's very clever take on the mystery genre.  A spunky heroine and a cast of intriguing characters, plenty of wordplay and lots of puzzles and clues keep readers of all ages interested.  Our literature group had a lot of fun discussing this book!
The Witch of Blackbird Pond by Elizabeth George Speare
This Newberry Award-winning book is a well-written and fascinating work of historical fiction that takes place around the time of the Salem Witch Trials. 
Black Beauty by Anna Sewell
I'm glad I finally read this classic and can see why the story has endured.  Black Beauty is a sympathetic and endearing narrator.  This beautifully-written novel is a window into the era in which it is was written.  Sewell's commitment to exposing animal cruelty and to promoting the virtues of kindness and altruism are as relevant as ever. 
Beorn the Proud by Madeleine A. Pollard
This is a decent and adventurous historical novel about the Vikings.  We read it because it coincided with the time period that my daughter was studying.

 

Novels
Harriet Wolf's Seventh Book of Wonders by Julianna Baggott
Having enjoyed some of Julianna Baggott's posts about writing, I decided to read one of her novels.  I liked the plot about a celebrity author turned recluse and a missing manuscript, told from various perspectives and at different points in time.  Fascinating characters and a great story!
The Martian by Andy Weir
It's not exactly my cup of tea, but I enjoyed some aspects of this creative survival story.  The author's style is very casual, and there's too many scientific details for my personal taste.  Still, I was compelled to keep reading and cheer for the resourceful and funny protagonist.  I hope to see the movie soon.
State of Wonder by Ann Patchett
I read this because Elizabeth Gilbert refers to the novel in Big Magic (see below).  The exotic setting, quirky characters and mysterious circumstances captured my interest. 
Pure by Julianna Baggottt
When I saw that Baggott also wrote a series of dystopian fiction, I was excited to see her take on that genre.  This series is darker and better written than other, more popular dystopian series that I've read.  I like it and have already started reading the second book.

 

Nonfiction
Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert
Excerpts from this book, as well as Gilbert's Magic Lessons podcasts, were resources for an online writing class I took.  I had the book from the library and read it very quickly.  I received a copy for my birthday and look forward to rereading it.
Yes, Please by Amy Poehler
Pretty funny, but I didn't enjoy it as much as Tina Fey's Bossypants.
The War of Art: Break Through the Blocks & Win Your Inner Creative Battles by Steven Pressfield
This was an interesting read in conjunction with Big Magic.  The bottom line is that you just have to sit down and do the work.  However, it can help to hear that message repeatedly and in a variety of ways, so this short book was definitely worth the read.
Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates
A National Book Award winner that is on many "best of" and recommended lists for 2015.  You should read this book.  It's an important perspective on race and America's racial history and is written as a letter to the author's teenage son.  I thought it was hard to get into and a bit repetitive at parts.  Yet overall I found this to be a beautifully-written and insightful book, and I'll be rereading it for sure.  

*****

This is my 36th blog post of 2015.  I averaged three posts per month, although in a very inconsistent way.  My last post before this one was more than a month ago, for example.  And yet I'm hopeful for my writing life in 2016.  I have lots of ideas.  And I've been scribbling away in a notebook since the very busy days of Christmas passed.  I know what I want to do, and I can do it - create a regular and consistent writing habit forged by self-discipline and focus.  May 2016 be my year of writing consistently!

Happy New Year!     

This is 47

Happy Thanksgiving!  I haven't blogged for a few weeks, although I have been writing.  I'm thankful for my writing life.  Right now, I'm particularly grateful for my participation in Principles & Prompts, an online course on creativity, story, and writing.  The course is taught by writer Christi Craig, and I'm enjoying it and learning a lot.

In other writing news...  Last week I had a deadline for a grant proposal I was writing.  A snafu with that process prompted me to write the first section of the piece below.  With my 47th birthday approaching and the upcoming (now here) Thanksgiving holiday, I added a few more sections that reflect the challenges of my 47 years along with gifts that outweigh those challenges.  I remembered seeing essays (in Brain, Child Magazine I think) that were titled This is 10 or This is 18, about various stages of childhood.  So, I thought why not This is 47?  It's just a brief and unpolished written snapshot of 47, but I like it all the same. 

This is 47

47 is I wrote the wrong address on the envelope

And on every. single. copy. of the grant proposal inside

I didn’t realize until the nice woman at the post office told me

That the address didn’t match the zip code

47 is being grateful for the postal worker and her computer that caught the error

And not freaking out about it like I used to

And laughing at myself because

I had seriously double-checked it so many times

47 is taking a breath and then…re-printing, mailing and moving on

 

47 is my lower back often aches

Sometimes I wake up at night and my shirt is soaking wet

My metabolism has left me for good

And I don’t sleep very well at all

47 is also appreciating this body

This achy-sweaty-soft and still strong body

That lives, loves, laughs, thinks, writes, reads, runs, sings & dances

That gave birth to three babies

47 is gratitude for the gifts of this living body

 

47 is the mom of a tween and two teens

Who are growing up as they should, but it sometimes breaks my heart

They can be moody and defiant and brutally honest

They are irritated by my excessive questions and want to be left alone

47 is also the mom of vibrant & curious people growing into their independent selves

Who make beautiful cards or write long notes for my birthday

They share my affection for babies and kittens

They express gratitude regularly, serve others willingly & encourage me to write

47 is three children whom I love infinitely and who love me too

 

47 is worrying about a lot of stuff

About teenage drivers and college applications

About meal planning and mortgage payments

About violence in our neighborhood and violence in our world

But 47 is also less worried about certain things too

I’m more comfortable in my skin

Less worried what others think

More embracing of who I am

And willing to open up to the creativity and potential

Of my 47 year old self

"Prettyish kind of a little wilderness" - in the city

I often visit my favorite neighborhood park, Kern Park, and the photos above were taken there last week.  They are quick snapshots captured on a partly cloudy day with a camera phone.  Yet they still show the beauty of one of my favorite spots.  Recently I've spent time in another beautiful city park, Washington Park.  Visiting these lovely urban natural spaces made me think of the phrase "prettyish kind of a little wilderness."  I love that phrase!  If you've read Jane Austen's Pride & Prejudice or watched any of the film adaptations, you may recognize it.  I'm not sure if it makes the cut in all of the film adaptations, but it is definitely featured in the 1995 BBC miniseries.  The imposing character Lady Catherine de Bourgh speaks the line, as follows:

Miss Bennet, there seemed to be a prettyish kind of a little wilderness on one side of your lawn.  I should be glad to take a turn in it, if you will favour me with your company.

Before I veer off into Austenland, let's return to the parks.

Washington Park on a sunny day

When I visit these wild urban spaces, I'm in my very own "prettyish kind of a little wilderness."  I feel so fortunate to have such beautiful parks in the heart of my city.  And I enjoy watching them transform throughout the seasons.  Right now, there's explosive color and bare branches and leaves crunching underfoot.  Reflecting on the beauty of these places also reminded me of a post I read about a year ago.  It perplexed me when a person wrote about how good or lucky or fortunate it is to live in the country in the autumn.  The leaves change color on our trees in the city too, I thought.  I guess she just meant that she was more surrounded by the colors of fall than those of us who live in more developed areas, like cities and suburbs.  That's true.  It can be nice to head out of the city to visit forests or state parks or scenic areas in the country. 

And yet, it's so important to be grateful for and to appreciate what's most accessible to us.  To cherish the place where we live.  To visit the nature in our neighborhoods.  To find our own favorite "prettyish kind of a little wilderness."

*****
Here are more photos of Washington Park, on a cloudy and peaceful day. 

 

*****

I often write about my neighborhood and city.  If you enjoyed this post, you might also enjoy:
See the trees
Nature therapy
The place where I live, redux

Orion Magazine, Place Where You Live - Milwaukee, Wisconsin:
https://orionmagazine.org/place/milwaukee-wisconsin-7739/

Collecting ideas

I just finished reading a good book, Harriet Wolf’s Seventh Book of Wonders by Julianna Baggott.  In the acknowledgements, the author mentions some inspirations for parts of the novel, including a newspaper clipping about a plane crash that she read as a child and a book's footnote about the Maryland School for Feeble Minded Children.  Baggott collected ideas, from childhood through adulthood.  And then she connected them, along with other ideas collected and imagined along the way, into a larger story.  She made something new.  That’s what good writers do, I think, whether it's poetry, essays, short stories, novels. 

Writers are idea collectors.  We collect and observe and ponder.  Who knows where those ideas will lead?  Artists collect ideas too, inventors, scientists, business owners, researchers...anyone working on a project for work, for school, for home, for fun.  Most of us collect ideas in one way or another, intentionally or not.

basket of notebooks & folders for collecting ideas

I have a few ways that I intentionally collect ideas for writing: 

a file folder in a drawer labeled “writing ideas” - I haven’t added anything to this folder for at least a few years because the file cabinet is no longer near where I work.  Things got moved around over the years without much thought about location.

a “writing projects” folder on the desktop of my computer - Here I save a variety of documents – quickly written notes, planned stories or essays, stream of consciousness diatribes, unsent letters or rants or editorials, journal entries, memories, etc.

the “Notes” app on my smart phone – I occasionally jot down something when I'm out and about - snippets of ideas or a few lines or overheard dialogue.

notebooks and the accompanying scraps of paper shoved into these notebooks – At times, I’ve been pretty consistent about writing “morning pages” in a spiral notebook.  I sometimes jot down blog ideas in another notebook.  I also have a composition notebook that I use as a commonplace book to copy down quotes, poems, favorite passages from books, etc.  I haven’t used these notebooks with any regularity in the past several months.

my brain – This is often the least reliable idea collector, but it’s the most accessible.  Maybe I remember the ideas that I want to make note of later.  Often I don't.  But sometimes I do remember, or the idea keeps coming back to me in various ways. 
  

I enjoy reading about the processes of other idea collectors.  There are books and websites and exhibits that let us take a peek into the notebooks, journals, sketchbooks and scrapbooks of artists and writers.  It’s inspiring.  My own idea collection could use some refinement.  Although I can see myself getting too caught up in the method or vehicle for collecting ideas rather than the collecting part, so perhaps it's okay if I stick with my haphazard methods.

Which leads me back to Harriet Wolf’s Seventh Book of Wonders.  Julianna Baggott mentions the clipping about the plane crash that she saw as a child, and also her main character Harriet clips and saves articles in a scrap book.  Reading this motivated me to get my “writing ideas” folder out of the filing cabinet downstairs.  Inside is a short article from a parenting magazine, “A Chart to Make Getting Dressed a Breeze.”  The author created a weather chart on an erasable calendar, which also included a list of appropriate clothing for specific weather.  There were guidelines, as in - if it’s below 50 degrees, you must wear long sleeves and pants and a fleece jacket. 

I didn’t clip the article because I thought it was a good idea.  Not that it’s a“bad” idea, but it struck me as curious that someone would do this.  I knew that I would never create or compel my children to follow such a chart.  The kid who had sensory issues and needed to wear clothing that felt right.  The kid who refused to wear shorts one summer.  The kids (including the same one who refused shorts one summer) who insisted on wearing shorts once the temperature hit about 45-50 degrees in the spring.  The kids who wore sweatshirts rather than winter jackets at the outdoor ice-skating rink, because they really were warm enough.  The kid who would only wear sweatpants and never jeans, because he didn’t like the feel or fit.  Then a few years later – it was vice-versa. 

Maybe I clipped and saved the article about the weather chart because I thought I might write a humorous essay about my children's clothing choices.  Or maybe the clipping would inspire a more philosophical essay on the extent to which we do or don’t give our children choices.  Or perhaps the clipping would help describe a fictional character in a story, a mother who would create such a chart. 

I had no clear purpose for what I might do with it when I tucked that article into the folder, but I'm glad I did.  It helped me write this blog post, and it illustrated my point about collecting ideas very well. 

No such thing as unready & uninspired

This quote, attributed to actor Hugh Laurie, has shown up on FB a lot recently.

Last week, I finished the #30PostsHathSept blog challenge.  My goal was to write fifteen blog posts in the month of September, and I did.  I approached the challenge somewhat haphazardly with no particular plan of what I would write about.  That's part of what's so great about a blog challenge.  I couldn't wait to be inspired or "ready" as the quote above says - I just had to write.

When I wrote my fifteenth post of the month last Wednesday, I thought I'd take a break for a few days.  I know how important momentum is when it comes to writing and blogging.  I wrote about that in my one year blog anniversary post:  "Momentum is key, as it is with so many habits.  The more frequently I blog, the more motivated I am to keep up with it.  It's very hard to get back to blogging after neglecting it for weeks or a month at a time."   

On the other hand, I convinced myself that I "deserved" a few days break after completing the challenge.  This is a common trick people use to convince ourselves not to do things.  You can read more about that in the excellent book The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonigal.  Well, a few days became a week.  And now it's been a week and a half since I've blogged.  During that time, I told myself that I was too busy, too tired and uninspired.  Let me examine those statements, which are all true but also false: 

1)  I'm too busy.  Yes, I am.  But I was about the same amount of busy - give or take - during the weeks I participated in the blog challenge.  Some of the busy is of my own choosing or because I'm not making conscious decisions about how I use my time.  Maybe I'm spending too much time checking email or news or Facebook.  Or maybe I'm letting my paid work seep into my entire day, rather than putting parameters around it.  Perhaps I'm saying yes to too many volunteer commitments.  Or am I spending too much time worrying about things I cannot control?

2)  I'm too tired.  Yes, I am.  But continuing to tell myself how tired I am, will only make me more tired.  And writing fuels and energizes me.

3)  I'm uninspired.  Sometimes.  But as we all know, inspiration isn't going to come if we don't sit down and do the work.  Every book or blog post or piece of advice about writing comes down to that.  I know there are some great quotes from writers on this topic, but I couldn't think of any off the top of my head.  Here's a good one from artist Chuck Close:

 Inspiration is for amateurs - the rest of us just show up and get to work.

And it's so true.  During the September blog challenge and during a similar challenge last year - when I committed to blogging regularly, inspiration came.  Revisiting old themes, cultivating new ideas, sharing life stories, sketching out humorous pieces, trying new formats, incorporating dreams...when I invested time in writing and made it a priority, the ideas came.  Some posts did flow easily; others were hammered out with difficulty.  The quality of the ideas and the writing varied widely, of course. 

On the other hand...

I can't find a source for this quote, but I love its good & simple wisdom.

So...no, I'm not ready.
I don't even think this post is quite ready to publish. 
But I'm going to do it anyway.

*****

Another good quote about being ready comes from Amy Poehler:

Also, check out this really great Zen Pencils cartoon of Amy Poehler's quote.  And if you haven't yet, be sure to check out the Zen Pencils website for lots of "cartoon quotes from inspirational folks."